The moment is gone, my wedding | 19 June 2006

I was too busy to write — which saddens me, and the moment is gone, my wedding — so beautiful and perfect and fun, my dream, just as I wanted it, and my unexpected nervousness and everyone there.

I really can’t describe how amazing it was, the whole weekend in my favorite place in the world. Mike is my husband, and I will hold him like an oak barrel holds wine and we will love this life together.

Mike and I move in less than 2 weeks, so that’s my project for this week and next. Then I go to Paris. Then I’m in Austin for a week or 2 and then I have to go to Mily/Chicago for Becky & Josie’s bachelorette parties. It’s a busy summer, and then, hopefully, in August I can write and submit poems until school begins and I have to start thinking about teaching again. It’s going to go by fast as it always does.

Life is not what we think it will be | 30 November 2006

Afternoon. Laziness. Out the window, the wind sways the trees. I think of you. Wonder if you even know I’m married. How would you know? Do you sense it? Will I ever see you again? Eight years, ten, and then nothing.

Sunlight on the leaves, if you were there, in my backyard, by the fence, waiting. It cannot happen. I let go. I let her have you. I did not fight. I must not have loved you as much as I claimed to.

Life is not what we think it will be. It breaks you and rebuilds you into someone you no longer life, someone passionless and uneventful.

I want to remember | 29 January 2007

Writing goals for spring semester — I promised I would write in here more, daily. Inspiration for poems.

—-

I want to remember the dog hurling toward us, ahead of a truck, the Oh-God feeling that he was coming to attack us, that he was twice the size of you, and I’d witness yet another dog fight. But then I realized, its owner was following in a pick-up truck. This bizarre way to “walk” one’s dog, and the relief felt when it hit us, and just kept running.

—-

Life with Mike is good. We cook together, take walks, share each other’s separate lives. I still don’t feel married in some ways. Life is simple and easy with him. We don’t fight.

Welcome to First Page Last

My First Journal

Hey, WORD PRESS WORLD!

I just moved all my posts over here to try to connect to other bloggers more. I’m blogging 30 years of journal writing as I work on a memoir about love, loss, and letting go. If that sounds interesting to you, follow me because I’d love to follow you.

Here is my first post (originally published 2/27/83):

On February 27, 1983 — a week shy of my seventh birthday — I started my first journal, a lock-and-key diary of the Little Twin Stars from the Hello Kitty series. Even with the lock, my younger sister still found her way into its pages, but her snooping never stopped my writing.

Now – five days shy of my 37th birthday — I begin my 18th journal.

Here’s the catch: Instead of revealing my entries chronologically from 1983 to now, I’m telling my story in reverse order, beginning today as an almost 37-year-old teacher/writer with a husband and two sons. Each day, I will release a new (old) journal entry until I get to that memorable day on Feb. 27 in 1983 when something significant happened in my seven-year-old world — something diary-worthy.

So began my journey as a writer. How did I get here? Read my journals — backward — and find out!

NOTE: I am now on 2007, so there is plenty of back material to read. Hope you stay awhile!

To read more about me.

To read more about this project.

My top-five most popular posts

1. “On Turning 25”
2. “Life in Your 20s vs. Your 30s”
3. “Life in Your 20s vs. Your 30s Redux”
4. “Why I Cut My Hair Short”
5. “On Having Boys When I Wanted Girls”

24 September 2007

Writing the S poems makes me feel like a bad wife. How to produce art without thinking of one’s reality. Wondering how this thesis will get finished. Just hoping I like it.

22 December 2007

Reading Eat Pray Love. Wanted to see what all the hype is about. Wondering why I’m so against the idea of God when I grew up believing more than anything. My notion of God has changed — all that religion has become in this country. My own husband of a different faith.

30 December 2007

En Route Austin —

Another holiday season behind us. On my way back from Chicago. Was in Mily for 3 days. Saw Mary, Flo, Kath & Katie & cousin Ann. Josie told us she’s pregnant. This time next year, I’ll be an aunt. Thinking of moving back to Chicago in 6 months is both exciting and scary. Where will we live? What job will Mike find? How will like in Chicago help/hurt our marriage? Kids?

Journal 16: October 12, 2004-March 4, 2008

#16 10/12/04 — 3/4/08

This journal contains some of the most significant experiences of my life: meeting my husband, moving to Texas to write, marrying my husband, writing my book of poems. Since I kept this journal while I was a graduate student in poetry, much of it contains ideas for poems; many entries are more poetry than prose.

It’s interesting that the journal begins with me depressed in Chicago, absolutely through with men and the dating scene and ends with me married in Austin about to move back with my husband and thinking about having kids. Less than four years from here to there, letting go of you while writing about you and moving on with Mike and finding happiness.

14 September 2008

Been a month. Josie had a baby boy. So darling. Life is so precious & wonderful. I love holding him. She had an amazing birth experience sans drugs. Makes me think about all that, about trying to do the same.

Teaching has been wonderful. Fun. Realizing how bored I was teaching comp. Love my seniors. Doing the whole machine of life thing — but this time I know more.

And then today the shock of 4 years later. An email from you. What?! About a poem I wrote — “Chronological.” Wants to know what it means? What do I say? How do I respond? The fantasy has become real — now you’re in my inbox, waiting for a reply. I’ve been writing poems about being here without you & now this.

8 September 2009

Noah is 8 weeks. It’s so hard to believe. He’s growing so fast. I’ve decided not to have the test done because he’s been feeding much better. The acid reflux seems to be bothering him less. We had a horrible night of him screaming in pain from constipation — I think I made the formula wrong — and once again, I feel to blame for all of it.