Journal 16: October 12, 2004-March 4, 2008

#16 10/12/04 -- 3/4/08

#16 10/12/04 — 3/4/08

This journal contains some of the most significant experiences of my life: meeting my husband, moving to Texas to write, marrying my husband, writing my book of poems. Since I kept this journal while I was a graduate student in poetry, much of it contains ideas for poems; many entries are more poetry than prose.

It’s interesting that the journal begins with me depressed in Chicago, absolutely through with men and the dating scene and ends with me married in Austin about to move back with my husband and thinking about having kids. Less than four years from here to there, letting go of you while writing about you and moving on with Mike and finding happiness.

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14 September 2008

Been a month. Josie had a baby boy. So darling. Life is so precious & wonderful. I love holding him. She had an amazing birth experience sans drugs. Makes me think about all that, about trying to do the same.

Teaching has been wonderful. Fun. Realizing how bored I was teaching comp. Love my seniors. Doing the whole machine of life thing — but this time I know more.

And then today the shock of 4 years later. An email from you. What?! About a poem I wrote — “Chronological.” Wants to know what it means? What do I say? How do I respond? The fantasy has become real — now you’re in my inbox, waiting for a reply. I’ve been writing poems about being here without you & now this.

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8 September 2009

Noah is 8 weeks. It’s so hard to believe. He’s growing so fast. I’ve decided not to have the test done because he’s been feeding much better. The acid reflux seems to be bothering him less. We had a horrible night of him screaming in pain from constipation — I think I made the formula wrong — and once again, I feel to blame for all of it.

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9 June 2012

IMG_0204I haven’t worked on the book in a month. A difficult month & I guess I just didn’t want to face those pages again, at least not right now. The baby’s due date is 3 weeks away & I guess I’m getting ready to be a mom to a newborn again.

Tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary. We’re going to be parents again — the challenges with that & the happiness, how our marriage handles it.

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3 January 2013

Noah on Jan. 3, 2013.

Noah on Jan. 13, 2013.

Some days it’s so hard being a mom. I’m sick — cold/cough/body aches/chills. I can barely keep it together. To survive, I let Noah watch too much TV. At one point today, AJ was napping and I was sitting on the couch with Noah, while he was watching TV and he was pulling my hair as he does for comfort and I snapped and said, “Noah, that fucking hurts.”

I didn’t react because I didn’t want him to realize I said a bad word. But I hated myself in that moment. I hated myself a lot today. My short temper with Noah.

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23 January 2013

I’ll be short b/c I’m tired. Some evenings are so tough that I wonder why we did this: Have kids. How a 3 year old’s mood can set the tone for the evening, and ruin the steak dinner you planned.

J and K are getting a divorce. We’re almost 40. I’m feeling lost. It’s January. Rereading old journals for this project has me realizing how desperate I once was — for what?

To tell myself then that this is what life becomes — the machine.