This journal contains some of the most significant experiences of my life: meeting my husband, moving to Texas to write, marrying my husband, writing my book of poems. Since I kept this journal while I was a graduate student in poetry, much of it contains ideas for poems; many entries are more poetry than prose.
It’s interesting that the journal begins with me depressed in Chicago, absolutely through with men and the dating scene and ends with me married in Austin about to move back with my husband and thinking about having kids. Less than four years from here to there, letting go of you while writing about you and moving on with Mike and finding happiness.
Been a month. Josie had a baby boy. So darling. Life is so precious & wonderful. I love holding him. She had an amazing birth experience sans drugs. Makes me think about all that, about trying to do the same.
Teaching has been wonderful. Fun. Realizing how bored I was teaching comp. Love my seniors. Doing the whole machine of life thing — but this time I know more.
And then today the shock of 4 years later. An email from you. What?! About a poem I wrote — “Chronological.” Wants to know what it means? What do I say? How do I respond? The fantasy has become real — now you’re in my inbox, waiting for a reply. I’ve been writing poems about being here without you & now this.
Noah is 8 weeks. It’s so hard to believe. He’s growing so fast. I’ve decided not to have the test done because he’s been feeding much better. The acid reflux seems to be bothering him less. We had a horrible night of him screaming in pain from constipation — I think I made the formula wrong — and once again, I feel to blame for all of it.
I feel like I can’t write any more — out of practice. I feel like I wasted those 3 years & that MFA. I wonder what the 30s are all about for me — but career & family. What will 40s bring? This feels so un-me sometimes.
I haven’t worked on the book in a month. A difficult month & I guess I just didn’t want to face those pages again, at least not right now. The baby’s due date is 3 weeks away & I guess I’m getting ready to be a mom to a newborn again.
Tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary. We’re going to be parents again — the challenges with that & the happiness, how our marriage handles it.
Some days it’s so hard being a mom. I’m sick — cold/cough/body aches/chills. I can barely keep it together. To survive, I let Noah watch too much TV. At one point today, AJ was napping and I was sitting on the couch with Noah, while he was watching TV and he was pulling my hair as he does for comfort and I snapped and said, “Noah, that fucking hurts.”
I didn’t react because I didn’t want him to realize I said a bad word. But I hated myself in that moment. I hated myself a lot today. My short temper with Noah.