Almost all the leaves have fallen off the trees — a beautiful, late fall day here. I took Noah to the zoo. Spending time with him is so precious & important now. I worry about how the new baby will change my relationship with him. He’s my best friend, my companion, my son, and I’m so in love with every part of him.
I feel like I can’t write any more — out of practice. I feel like I wasted those 3 years & that MFA. I wonder what the 30s are all about for me — but career & family. What will 40s bring? This feels so un-me sometimes.
I feel big already in this pregnancy & I’m only 18 weeks. Wondering how it will feel to have a baby again, go through all that & thinking about work. What I’m doing & how I might feel next fall — & beyond. Trying to predict. A lack of money, less money. 2 kids. And how I can’t imagine my life without Noah in it. And his sibling inside me, unknown but soon I will feel the same about. It’s all so strange & lovely.
(Note: These are initial notes for my book. This is very rough, first-draft material. How writers work. It embarrasses me to publish this, because it’s so raw. But the purpose of this project is to be real and open and not hold back. Just keep in mind that it’s rough.)
Here’s a moment:
An August morning, the air condition providing us with the only cooling. You say, “I love you” as you leave my apartment after a random reunion night together.
(It’s the last time I saw you.)
New idea for book — Twenty Years of Love(s), all the relationships from 16-36. Now I need to find the time to write. Stayed up until 2 a.m. last night with a buzz from writing again.
I originally published this in 2009 on a blog called Letters to NMW, where I wrote pieces to Noah/about Noah.
It’s been a long time since I wrote you. Such is my life as a working mom.
You turned five months on Monday, and each day you become more and more active. A few weeks ago you mastered the roll, every way. You now prefer your tummy, even sleeping on it. You’re beginning to army crawl. Your giggles fill our house. It’s Christmas time. And I’m in love.