Life has turned into work & Noah. Family. The way I feel like a prole. Love my job, love my family, but yesterday I became sad that the best seems to be over & I feel like I don’t have a social life any more. My thoughts of you lost somewhere in too much to do, too much I want to do & don’t have time for. Work.
2010. A new decade. My son, 6 months old. A half year with you in it — hot did it go so fast? You’re amazing. Work is sucking me dry — project upon protect, caring too much. Noah brings me such joy every day.
A long week followed by an even longer weekend. This lack of sleep thing wearing us down. Noah’s sick again. A cough/cold. Sick of him being sick & the cold weather. He’s 7 months in a week. My life feels too much work. Work & Noah. That’s it, most days.
Already a new year. Days flying by. The dead of winter. Sickness. You officially with someone else. Her. I push past the lyrics of songs to forget. Life slows down — yet it’s so busy. I think of my early 20s & its madness. Now I just look forward to finals week to have more time.
Sickness & winter continue. Worst January ever. Literally have done nothing but work & be home all month. Hopefully February will be better. Lots to look forward to at least. Noah gets sweeter every day. All that I want…
January half over with. Always a good thing. Cold & depressing. Winter in Chitown.
Read some strong 1984 essays by my students. Makes me happy I taught the book even though it was painful at times.
Thinking about the machine again lately, wondering how I got myself here. Wondering what’s the way out. Read about this man & his wife & his 4-year-old son who sold everything and are traveling and living out of their RV. I’m so jealous. To drop out like that. I don’t think I could do it. Dropping out now is almost impossible — mortgage, healthcare, kids, school. What I did @ 22 was different — to have that time back! I wonder how they manage. He must have $ from his old job. How can you travel w/ a child w/out healthcare? Of course, too, it makes me think of white privilege & how an idea like this only occurs to people from a place of privilege who become disgusted by their over-consuming lives, they buy an RV and wander aimlessly. This disgusts me too. So then I’m caught back up in it, wondering about the meaning of life. Thinking about death a lot lately — afraid of what’s to come. I distract myself like a prole, busy myself with work.
Finally it’s freezing and feels like winter — not that I want it to be this way. But with no snow on the ground. I think of the mounds of it I used to play King of the Castle on the playground. Those kind of snowy winters just don’t happen any more. I wonder how some say global warming doesn’t exist. It’s the anniversary of Roe v. Wade — today, driving to work, listening to NPR, remembering getting into a fight about abortion in the 7th grade. Thinking about women and our choices and our bodies and the choices men make for our bodies because they don’t know them.
I don’t think about you much any more. Some times I wonder why the universe stopped letting us collide. There are no more || roads. I am a road and you are a plane. You never land. We never meet. Sky, blue, out there. Untouchable.
[Note: || is a symbol in my journals for parallel.]
A bad week followed by a good weekend followed by a bad day followed by a good day. Life. The way January flows into February. The way the snow falls only to melt only to fall again. I watch the ways my boys interact with one another — the unconditional love. I live off of this love these days. How his blue eyes light up when he sees his brother. How sometimes I’m in the room but not in it.
It might be winter but I am finding myself happier than years past. Full. Busy. Without you. Where does the time go? There is never enough time any more. To have all that time back from my twenties. I would give anything to have that back.
I took this picture yesterday. It made me happy. It reminded me of the past:
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