I feel so bad — I wanted her to die in her sleep so I didn’t have to make this decision. I feel sick to my stomach like the day I left S’s apartment in the burbs & drove back to Iowa City & stopped at McDonalds & couldn’t eat my french fries & instead broke down in tears, thinking it was over. It was & was not. But was.
Today, I feel the same. And I just took a test to see if I was pregnant & I’m not which makes me more sad because I’m not bringing a new life in right now. And it’s been 3 months of trying. Belle is beautiful. I will miss her soft ears most & the way she loved me unconditionally, our trip to Texas together — how it was because of her that I survived that fall away from home. That house in Kyle so special.
It’s very quiet in the house right now & it will be quiet without her here.
I loved her more than anything, once — as I loved him and now love Noah.