23 September 2011

IMG_0107In a half hour, Belle will be put down. Right now, she is lying by my side on the couch in the living room, she is breathing and happy I’m here. She still has a lot of life in her which makes what’s about to happen so hard. But her back legs are basically gone. She falls all the time and sometimes can’t get back up without help. She also poops in the house several times a day.

I feel so bad — I wanted her to die in her sleep so I didn’t have to make this decision. I feel sick to my stomach like the day I left S’s apartment in the burbs & drove back to Iowa City & stopped at McDonalds & couldn’t eat my french fries & instead broke down in tears, thinking it was over. It was & was not. But was.

Today, I feel the same. And I just took a test to see if I was pregnant & I’m not which makes me more sad because I’m not bringing a new life in right now. And it’s been 3 months of trying. Belle is beautiful. I will miss her soft ears most & the way she loved me unconditionally, our trip to Texas together — how it was because of her that I survived that fall away from home. That house in Kyle so special.

It’s very quiet in the house right now & it will be quiet without her here.

I loved her more than anything, once — as I loved him and now love Noah.

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