I’ve always been boy crazy. (This will become painfully obvious as this project continues.) Loving and/or liking men/boys has been a hobby of mine.
But now I love two boys, my sons. To love them both, to hold them in my heart at the same time, equally. I never knew this was possible. Also, I never imagined loving someone (Noah) so deeply that I couldn’t imagine loving someone else (AJ) the same way — and then, I did.
I think all mothers of one feel this way, especially when we are pregnant with number two. Wondering how your heart can expand any more and love another baby as you do the first born. But then he comes out of you and is placed in your arms in all the blood and glory and the love is instantaneous.
Before I had kids, I never understood love. Real love. Boys broke my heart. I broke theirs. Men told me they loved me when they didn’t. I told men I loved them when I didn’t. I thought about love almost every second of every day. It haunted me.
I fell in love many times. Each love is different, as these journals will show. I’ve held onto obsessive love. I let love go too early. Ultimately, I chose the love that was right for me and this love gave me two beautiful boys who love me to the core.