3 January 2013

Noah on Jan. 3, 2013.

Noah on Jan. 13, 2013.

Some days it’s so hard being a mom. I’m sick — cold/cough/body aches/chills. I can barely keep it together. To survive, I let Noah watch too much TV. At one point today, AJ was napping and I was sitting on the couch with Noah, while he was watching TV and he was pulling my hair as he does for comfort and I snapped and said, “Noah, that fucking hurts.”

I didn’t react because I didn’t want him to realize I said a bad word. But I hated myself in that moment. I hated myself a lot today. My short temper with Noah.

And then during an otherwise miserable day, there’s these moments: Noah painting on his easel; Noah making french toast; AJ being AJ at 6 months, so cute I want to eat him.

 

I try to hold onto those moments because I feel like a bad mother and wife so many times throughout the day — the house a mess still from before Xmas and I don’t have the energy to do much, other than feed my kids and play a few board games with Noah.

Being a mom means not being allowed to be sick. To sleep in bed all day and eat saltine crackers and chicken noodle soup can’t happen any more.

Sometimes I look around my house and I want to throw everything away and start over. All the clutter. I want to be an organized person but I don’t know how to be. My kids and husband don’t make this goal any easier.

To have one week back before my loves sucked everything from me. To tell that person in her 20s what life becomes — to tell her not to waste so much precious time drinking and sleeping and doing god knows what. I’ll be 37 in 2 months. What have I done with my life?

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10 thoughts on “3 January 2013

  1. I can relate on daily basis.
    :-/
    School uses up my patience leaving none for home. Then I complain my offspring act like angels at school saving their inner devil for me. I guess I do the same thing! Parenting is bittersweet.

    • Thanks for your comment. It’s always good to know I’m not alone. Parenting is so much harder than I ever imagined!

  2. Evelyn,
    Every mother feels like this sometimes. What matters most to kids is their overall experience. Moms are allowed to be moms, just like kids are allowed to be kids. Don’t expect perfection from either. Tomorrow is another day. BTW, I always thought that when people had organized houses and kids, priorities were in the wrong place.

  3. Hello Evelyn! it’s weird but i did laugh while reading your post. I’m sorry T_T I think I’m being bad laughing at your misery but I still did. T_T I hope you get well soon. and your son Noah stop pulling your hair 🙂

  4. It should not surprise me that we feel exactly the same, but you always did express my feelings better than I ever could!

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